the birthday party
anita lane died. she was born in the same year as me and she and nick cave left australia for london in the same year and month as i arrived there ... but that's a different story about a different time, although it is not unrelated as you will see.
further to the previous post, my birthday is also complicated by my being born on mother's birthday.
she never tires of saying : you were the best present i ever received! yes ...and it's been all downhill from there! is my standard response.
as a child it meant i could never have a birthday of my own — and that i could not 'enjoy' my birthday. because i was a victim of parentification in the weeks leading up to the day i would be worrying about whether mother would have a good birthday, one that would make her happy, whether i had chosen the right gift etc etc. mother's happiness was always my number one priority but especially on her birthday.
it wasn't until i moved to the other side of the world that i did not have to go to mother's house on my birthday.
my 30th birthday, sydney 1988, i experience an overwhelming sense of freedom : i was on the other side of the world and for the first time in my life no one knew it was my birthday. i was in a non-talking phase of my relationship with mother so i didn't call her or send her a gift or a card. and i didn't giveashit.
but that was the first and only time.
if i had a bucket list (which i don't because bucket lists are unbelievably infantile) having another birthday when no one knows that it's my birthday would be on it. it is not that i am solipsistic (in fact, what is the opposite of solipsism?! ha ha) but it is on my birthday that the grotesque trauma of my childhood comes closest to the surface.
and yesterday it was BINGO! time.
ps just a gentle reminder to everyone i work with and have worked with and everyone i don't and never will, also friends, foes and family : 100% individuation is impossible as long as the parent is alive — and it is doubtful even after that but i'll let you know in due course if i live to see the day. until then 99% is the best you can work towards and hope for and/or be radically optimistic about, as the case may be.